mistakes that i will learn from

I feel lucky that I am apart of such a wonderful family that: puts food in my mouth, lets me sleep under a roof, lets me have a car, pays for my school tuition, lets me have so many opportunities to grow. I guess what I mean to say is that i owe you my life...

I guess that means you can yell at me in the morning and criticize every movement I make - yes, that is right mom, you can criticize how I comb my hair all wrong and how lazy as fuck I am. Every time you open your mouth, it's nothing good that comes out. Its always CRITICISM. and when i just nod and say mhm.. you fucking flip the fuck out and say that i dont listen to you and that i will regret this when im older.

brandon. you can fucking go fuck yourself. i don't have anything good to say about you. you're ugly inside and out.


dad, just because i like to make my own choices in life doesnt mean that im disobeying you. i know what i want in life - believe it. and maybe try treating me like your daughter again...

maybe im not perfect but i dont expect myself to be...
so im sorry for whatever i did wrong
love, pauline

cash > debit

why hello there! long time no chat! i just wanted to stop by and leave a bit of saving money wisdom.. or what i have discovered.

so im a girl that likes to use the debit.. big mistake..

saves you a lot to see the cash go from your hand to the next
its a psychological thing. use cash!

case study #3 lait

pauline: i still like the dairyland chocolate milk better

brandon: what? they all taste the same. they all come from chocolate cows

he meant it

until i laughed

lol fag

when im around the people i love most, everything is okay.

when im alone, all i can think about are the words that shouldnt have escaped my mouth

but one thing is for sure.

we're not ready... we tried.. but we're not ready..

so take the ring off... and dont promise me anything anymore

beaumaris lake

and smiles

the ducks


thank you

sometimes it lets you love
but sometimes it hurts instead

Adele- someone like you

bittersweet.. this would. taste.

feminism

as much as i love my aunt. i mean i think shes like a best friend to me ha- ha! she's cool. she's more of a friend to me than an aunt but whatever - that family connection makes her closer to me : -P she is so rah rah anti boy but sometimes it scares me hahaha.. its like after you find the right guy. you move in together. have kids. and life is over haha that is what she makes it sound like. i can understand how she might feel like that but its scary to think that she might be right.. hahah... ugh FEMINISM RAH RAH!!

and as much as i love my bee.. sometimes a girl gots to do what a girls gots do..

feel moody and there aint anything you can really do :-)

missing my butters and jams - hope there is still some sandwich love between u 2 because this peanut needs some sandwich time soon

toodles

iphone 4

oh iphone 4 where have you been all my life? hahahaha jokes but im not kidding. the phone is like built for entertainment and ease! best thing i have invested in for awhile now :-) darn should have listened to my friends and family earlier haha i bought a nice teal case for it and im just waiting for the ghost armor that im going to get from fell but my uncle who is all hyped i got the iphone said that the front does not scratch so i dont need to buy anything that they are selling on the market... but its my baby atm so.. hahahaha i want to buy nice cases and dress it up ahahaha look at me. i have not gotten twitter or tumblr i am still skeptical. my god pauline! hahah well i think i will go check out twitter now and see if i like it! so i might post a twitter name and u can see my TWEETS cause i am a blue bird har har

TWEET TWEET

just move along

there are things that we always disagree on

but i think there is a point where you have to just let it go and move along move along..

i think i will definitely give twitter or tumblr a try since I GOT A NEW IPHONE4!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
what
what

haha.. damn..

i always found it strange that people could go from lovers to the worse enemies. I would ask myself - how does that even work.. sharing the happiest memories together.. and then all of a sudden.. i dont want to even see or hear from you anymore. sigmund freud's Doctrine of Opposites - two things that are totally opposite from each other sometimes turns out have the most relevance to each other - such as love and hate. i find it especially sad. but life goes on. life goes on.

life goes on

case study #2 the v line

brandon: want to see my v line?

pauline: might as well show me your penis

who asks people if they want to see their v lines?

my apologies

hahaha.. my british bosses are the cutest.. them and them british accents.. so nice so nice hahah..

i get called honey darling babe and my favourite poo line :-D anyway i am working for them next summer to expand the northern alberta's campaign! they told me i should disregard medicine and come work for them! hahahah.. they took me out to lunch today :-) i had a pleasant day! oh! and i wore my formal looking dress to the office today weeeeeeee!! wanted to dance around

hope you all had a good friday

what is british for fuck you?

i hate when my parents are narrow minded.

welcome to the 21st CENTURY!!!!

midnight snack

bumble bee: "haha oh lordy she bought me blackberry cabernet sorbet like legit haagen dazs stuff and it is so very good...i wish i could send some through the phone heh"

YEAH YOU BETTER WISH BECAUSE I WANTED ICE CREAM SINCE.. all day actually.. something fruity ya dig?

love you my sweet honeybee :- )

life

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about dancing in the rain..!”
You are what you say you are, and no one can take that away from you
I’m the author of my life; unfortunately, I’m writing in pen and can’t erase my mistakes…
In life, everyone can save somebody, no one can save everybody, and there is always someone that no one can save, even from themselves.

all great quotes about life

i have come to the point in my life where I think I am responsible enough to know what I want and what I am willing to achieve. So why don't my parents think so? is it so hard to wrap your head around the notion that I am a person and not your puppet? Yes, you have supported me throughout my whole life and you know what? I am forever and forever appreciative and I will never deny that you 2 are good parents. now look back and can you tell me what exactly I did wrong during the whole time.. where did i disappoint you? where did I fail? where did I make a irresponsible choices? if you can tell me what i did wrong this whole time - then just maybe you have a legit reason to be mad at me. or maybe you 2 should stop being ignorant and open your eyes. if i make a mistake, then i will get back up but you have to at least let me live my own life. I KNOW WHO I AM AND I KNOW WHERE I WANT TO BE IN LIFE. I am not your puppet anymore and you cant keep controlling me.

jesus christ. let me grow up

your kiss

your kiss and your squeals of joy.. your inviting giggle.. the way your eyes light up when you see me..
your sweet voice that calls my name.. the way you hold my hand... the way you smile...

love you guys

ronin,jodie,megan, mai lee

xo

road map

i lost mine. i need to get a new one.. a new plan. it's been awhile since I blogged haha... been contemplating whether i should or should not switch over to tumblr. I have decided to keep this blog going and perhaps, just play with tumblr. i dont know why i am so reluctant to give tumblr a try. it's strange - the idea in my head of having 2 blogs is too much to handle haha!! that's ludicrous, i know. thank you. i've always been one to hang onto things.. for too long.. i think the correct term is: stubborn. i am finished pmsing so why am i feeling moody? why do i feel restless? why do i feel like i haven't accomplished anything? why do i feel like i've lost myself.. like i went astray on the map and ended up in a place where i dont think i like very much? stranded, kind of, frustrated and having some kind of pent up anger in me.. anger that is only directed onto myself. i am the only one that i blame for getting lost. i had clear directions but i decided to stray from the written directions. now i am left here, feeling bitter and restless..

i need to look carefully again at this road map and find my way again.. enough with self pity pauline. you got yourself here. now you figure out a way to get up again and get going.

hahha...

anyway that is it. see you all when i feel like blogging again.

smiles

:-) i love you..

we're almost done.. then everything will be okay!

ahhH!! im excited for volunteering...with the fibromyalgia society

love you more and more everyday...

final word.. in the final sentence, you uttered to me was love

April World

the month when the world turns upside down on all my friends and I.

its like we're living in a world of worry, stress, disappointments... you name it - we got it. this world doesn't have sun and blue skies. this world's forecast is always rain and clouds. the only way we can keep from getting wet is from hiding under our umbrellas- always looking down at our feet - to neglect the entire world- hoping that if we do, we can make it through by ourselves quietly and discreetly. the sad yellow raincoat that I wear is for the days to come... the rain will perpetually fall in this world... when it ceases.. we will take these raincoats off.. and throw away our umbrellas -

we will find ourselves.. our friends..our love..

everything will fall into place - we will find ourselves in another world far from this & we will find console with the things that cause us to fret.. & we will find each other and support one another in whatever we endeavour

your friend from under the umbrellas,

pauline

it's been awhile. switching over to the new gmail system is a hassle for me to get into blogger cause i have to sign out of the ualberta to get here. what a drag.. perhaps i will move over to.. what is it? tumblr? lol we will see how long i can keep up with signing out and stuff. i've been alright. you know the usual. school and being lazy...

life haha. i dont know why but i feel as if this is the first time, i feel lonely. sure, i said that i am an introvert. practically preached it.. but lately... i look at my life and i actually dont have that many friends... its a thought that upsets me a little. i know i brought it on myself haha.. im not outgoing.. i just.. yeah i dont even know. im just writing whatever comes to mind.. chocolate milk haha.. is what came to mind. i feel lonely. its the thought of the day today. but that's okay. i will just start studying.. it will fill the void i feel.

good luck on exams

your friend,
pauline

vitamin D please and thanks

Yea know what else starts with a big capital D? Depression. This long winter without sun is making it quite hard to keep a smile on my face. the end of the school year is coming and i cannot be anymore glad. nothing new has really been up with me really. i have to interview 3 people for PMSA tomorrow - wonder how i will feel...finally being on the other side of the table? ruthless? haha nah... i think its an accomplishment to get to one side of the table to the other. i worked hard for it. if you havent watch burlesque. maybe you should as well. i was watching it with my mom and she was like chattering throughout the movie asking me questions. but it was good :-) anyway, that is it. i am off to finish off that paper due on monday.

anyways, i am trying to keep a smile on. so.. so should you :-)

toodles

some advice:

penis envy - case study of brandon hoang

so i was showing asshole brandon something and i accicently flung my hand to his penis area
and bam he is in his sissy grip in between legs stance and he is all like awww SHH.. AWW.... you know the typical sissy guy sound

and he drops to the floor

and then after that he gets up and laughs

"youre lucky i dont have a penis"

moms

they got a built in mechanism to nag at you

it's never your dad.
DAMN.

Dr. California

today is a beautiful day with some sun. i went to talk to my philosophy prof about my essay lol. it was awkward. really awkward. there came a point where i was looking at him and he was looking at me. and he wasnt doing anything but looking at me looking at him so i was like.. so... edmonton huh.. didnt like california? lol! then we had a small talk about american schools. it was good ha-ha. omg i saw eric isberg for the first time since last year it was good we made eye contact. and we're like hey!
good stuff. i like seeing people i havent seen in awhile and just saying the occasional passive hello.

thank you butter and jam

you guys dont know how much i appreciate you listening

thank you. thank you. thank you

3 lines

you know that portion of gateway lol 3 lines. i like to read those. i am still waiting for mine

to the girl who always arrives late to physio - yeah you with the glasses. get an alarm clock or something.

hahahha

3 lines for today:

to the short girl who works at subway with glasses. jesus. i didnt mean to offend u with my question.

BUNGY NEPAL

tracy: what's the most important thing to you?
me: right now?
me: or as of all my life?
tracy: both i guess
me: i dont know.. theres a lot of things running thru my mind
me: i think its striking the balance between family, health, school, friends, love
tracy: its hard.

yeah.. sure is

i think its time to hit the yoga mats again - makes me feel antsy already! but yeah i think i need to find some inner stillness ya dig? i think its cause my mother - today when she was driving me to school - she said i changed... since i got back from nepal. she says that i have grown to be,literally, a bitchy little girl. i think i act differently with different people - but especially to my family. i love them but... things slip out when they shouldn't sometimes. my mother is usually very subjective and finicky when she comes to telling facts - but if she says i've changed, even though i deny it, i have changed. and apparently for the worse. i mean...i do find myself.. thinking more negative things nowadays compared to before. i wonder why. i don't think i'm nice anymore - not the quiet and nice girl anymore. i don't like it but i don't know what caused the change.

yoga should help me calm myself down...at least... to regain my composure.

its easy to give advice but its harder to actually follow what you preach..

breathe pauline... just breathe..

i fucking hate drunk people.

remember that.

you get pissed off when people dont appreciate the work you do? yeah
they think its easy to do but they havent even come close to what you have done? yeah
plays favourites? yes

the fucking university of alberta= son of a bitches administration.
lets see you go save the fucking world

To make you feel my love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the aisle for you
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

a great song

even now, i fall more and more for you

damn it.

love..

i love being a girl
i love chilling with my aunts
i love my cousins

i love life at the moment :-)

& i love you

My VLOG : P

http://www.fileswap.com/dl/wykdvpD5/Movie_on_2011-02-22_at_18.35.mov.html

reflections after death

haha... after a stressful week with 3 midterm exams and several assignments - I walk away with a tumblr full of tea in my hand, big black bags under the already chink eyes, and a major lack of sleep. I have to say that the couple of exams i did during this past week were not that bad, meaning i walked away feeling like i did a good job of studying. i have 3/5 classes that are not curved or maybe 4 including philosophy (am not sure about that one)- i know i am a contradictory little person for saying this but.. damn the curve would have been so much better in some of these cases! um... i dont think i did a good job balancing extracurricular as CDA was not open due to moving and i did not get to do any.. exercise- but of course, that will be made up for during reading week. ha! hopefully. i already have my to do list ready for the next 2 months- mind you, starbucks tumblr in hand of course full of tea hahah.. darn i am addicted to caffeine. i must also catch up on some much needed sleep... to end this reflection, i leave you, peanut, on a to be achieved high note.

did you notice i came full circle with this reflection hahah... im caught in a vicious cycle... oh dear..

2 months to go guys! we can do it!

PSYCO 233 with Jennifer Passey

I believe I deserve at least an A- when I beat 88% of a class of 300.

just saying.

ring in the tumblr

i have the most effed up dreams ever! what is wrong with you id, ego, and superego?

anyway - i got my macbook pro fixed yesterday thank god... i can hand in my stat assignment on time. phew! i think macs are good reliable hardy technology if you dont mess around with it- meaning no spills. no dropping it. - and the apple team is actually pretty handy.
yeah so anyway. that's out of the way. i got my tumblr today. i copycated b because i enjoy the red colour haha hopefully no hard feelings! it was also on sale so.. i just had to get it!

um. planning to get my polaroid for jasper :-) got to snap some good memory pictures- im excited...
but not for tomorrow

i am so effed beyond belief for physio... southgate is a nice mall!

good day!

will you be my valentine?

hahahahhaha... oh gosh pauline

:-P
loser.

goodbye france

Dear brenda and jenn, my butter and my jam - i know that both of you already know my stance on going to france. it started out as a great idea to me - lots of lots of fun with my two closest friends - i mean who wouldnt want that? going off to a beautiful place to spend time with the people who make you happy!

it would be loads of fun - i think if i was to sit in my rocker 70 years down the road - i would still remember my decision - perhaps regret it even...but its not my time. going to france is not going in line with my priorities right now. i know both of you have the full intensions of gaining lots out of this experience. brenda, for you to complete your requirements for your degree and for jenn, just to go out there and have fun because you truly truly deserve it.. i am truly happy for you guys.

stress - its when your inner motives are going against your needs - i know for certain now that i am willing to acknowledge that i have to sacrifice some things to damper this 'stress'. and even for now, just telling you guys i am not going to go thru with it, is a step.

guilt - i said i would go. i got you guys excited. and now i've come full circle and am saying no. for this, i cannot express how very sorry i am. thank you for your understanding.. i appreciate it.

with that all said, i hope you guys have a great time - i know that it is going to be a busy process in preparing but i know for certain that it will be a everlasting memory you 2 make for yourselves and with each other..

france is always going to be there.. and so is the rest of the world - we will have adventures to come..

my love and best to the 2 of you


love,
pauline (your peanut)

France- Butter and Jam - Jasper Marmot Basin

Dear France Trip,

All my work pay checks and red envelope money will be dedicated to you, thank you for making me restrain:


from:
- juice book at indigo
- runner's magazine at london drugs
-polaroid camera (until I have saved up enough)
- a warm cozy pom pom hat from eddie baurer

its hard because I really want these items :(

Dear B and J:
I don't know why, I know you guys are going to hate me for this.. but I don't know why I still don't feel right about going to France - perhaps I need to BUY the Lonely Planet Guide for France to feel like I am. I know you both say its for school... but.. damn its expensive... and i'm not on great terms with my parents... plus I want to write my MCAT and work this summer- just seems like a... burden to have to worry about saving on top of getting everything organized. I have stayed away from my meet the advisor form for awhile... I know! I know! I'm a terrible person. I just don't know why I feel like this.. I do have a few weeks I suppose and months if you want, to think about it- internalize it but... it's causing me to fret.


On the happy note,

Dear Jasper and Marmot Basin,
I am excited for you he-he... woo-hoo get to chill with my home girls tho and joy on the slopes :-)

and i will succumb to:

- the non existent perfect tumblr i'm still searching for..

thank you for rocking my world.. hahaha my socks as well..

:-)

erratic, fickle, out of order, messy, disorganized, disorientated = pauline hoang

i feel

i dont know what kind of fucker you have become
but i really dont want to associate myself with you anymore

fuck family - when they fucking engrave negative internalization for you to live with. you dont want anything to do with them.

learn how to fucking respect people because right now i'm done with this power struggle - whatever your psychological games are . take them and shove it up your ass - taste your own medicine bitch.

FUCK YOU ALL.

catch up

so jenn decided to walk with me to ESB from ETLC. i dont know that really made my day haha it was a short sweet walk with lots of talking. anyway, thanks J!

p.s. goodluck on that 'dinner' he he

UOFA GYM

gotta sweat sweat sweat... sweat

ahha sweat...

theres no pain... theres no pain... thats what i kept saying when i was cramping like a beetch :P
cause really
theres no pain because... theres no concrete evidence that there is pain. strip yourself of your corpse, namely your body, and bam what is pain? can you imagine it? pure pain? no
there is no pain.
therefore i am in no pain

i think there i am
philosopher pauline ponderings

QUACK. :D

thanks B

endorphins+breathing+ things will get better= hope. peace. love.

infinity band.

theres nothing that can make me smile.

nothing.

check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzJlgFwQkdA&feature=related

funny how i just want to shut everyone out now yeah anyway...

yeah.

cya

PMS

go kick yourself in the vagina

feeling in my bones

i know this year is going to be great.that's why when im feeling down in the dumps.. i tell myself that this is your year pauline. no matter how cruddy life gets.. this is the year to live life. im going to try to maximize the profit i make at kumon since i have a pretty okay schedule on thursday and perhaps volunteer on a more productive day other than friday :P um.. i got everything in my belt to succeed in school now - i just have to apply my tools. i think im going to do well this semester :-) i will do well. i went boarding with the girls today and i had a good time. i finally got off the lift alone twice without epically falling!! hhahaha.. it was good i didnt even fall all that much! thanks joyce, sarah and twins for a marvellous time at rabbithill :-)

smile - cause today is the day to do it

megan

i love megan :-) she is a prettiest little girly ever
i love how you talk with your cute little baby girl voice
i love how you squeal and tug my hand
i love how you sit in my lap with my arms around you
i love when i kiss your cheek

i love you baby girl megan

carpe diem

seize the day 2011 is going o be a great year! i can really feel it in my bones for all the sheep zodiac peeps! i have to say i am extremely excited :-) im just in a good mood today.. the new year started out with a good start. i went to dim sum with my family today at a west end place called delicious delicious delicious! it was pretty good never bee there before then we went to wem for a bit ike literally half an hour before we decided that there was nothing to get. i wanted a polarid camera but my fam jam would never understand whatever for.. so ill just get that on my own perhaps maybe before school starts? ive been spending the big bucks lately hahah.. i want new glasses too.. no more contacts for pauline..i also want.. lol! want want want all i do is want. maybe i should not think about myself so much... yes.. okay.. im going to wake up tomorrow and clean my room. get the pile high laundry outta my room and write new year resolutions :-) then perhaps... then go work out with the famer jamers at oleary. um.. idk what else.. ahaha i want to watch black swan hahha.. mhm! its going to be a good year everyone! like i taught my cutie baby cousins put on your seatbelt! HERE WE COME 2011!! 2010 was a hard year but.. hey ive learned a lot about myself... and it was an important year too.. but this year... this year is going to be awesome..