sweet melancholy

have you ever heard the song " in the end " by linkin park?

life is like that right now.
no matter how hard i try. everything just ends badly
everything i have ever looked forward to comes to an ugly ending

my whole life i have never been good at anything. i was never smart, never pretty, never anything. i wasnt born perfect but i still tried my best because i was tired of being criticized. i was tired of looking into the mirror and walking away with a frown. after elementary, i wished and prayed that i could become smart and when i started junior high i had a glimpse of success. i was getting a's. it was a good 3 years. i thought high school was going to be just the same. i said that i would get honors with distinction. in grade 10 i did. in grade 11, when i saw my name not on the list. i felt like my dreams just crumpled. everytime i walked along that hallway, my heart would just break a little more. its not about marks. its more than marks... its my life. my life dream that i could one day become a doctor. be smart enough to make that dream come true. so i worked hard and i got it. but you know what? in the end when i received that certificate, it was nothing to me. it meant nothing.

in the present

you know i wasnt born perfect. i try to better myself but i cant be perfect and no matter how many times you yell at me, i cant do anything. i cant change who i am. i threw away my sweats to appease you. i know you dont appreciate me because everytime i do something, ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. its never going to be good enough for you. im not good enough for anyone. all my life,i wanted to be someone. someone who can stand up for herself. i try and i try and i guess im not strong enough to do anything. you know what? maybe u guys are right maybe im just not smart enough or talented enough to do anything. maybe i should listen to you. because im sick of trying to ignore what you are saying. im sick of trying to prove to you that i can do it and end up failing. im just so sick of everyone. i just want to move away from everything because i think i dont even know myself anymore. im tired of being second best or not good enough. im tired of trying to prove you wrong. im tired of getting laughed at. im tired of pretending that everything is fine when nothing is going right. im tired of trying to be what IM NOT. history always repeats itself and you know what? i want to defy that but everytime... every time.. EVERY SINGLE FUCKEN TIME. YOU PROVE ME RIGHT. you prove to me that im wrong, you prove to me that im worthless. why dont you go ahead and say it? tell me what i cant do because im so FUCKEN USED TO IT. and u know what? i'll accept it this time. im tired of being a joke, im tired of being not good enough

you win because
i surrender.

because in the end. it doesnt even matter

its just another memory.